


How Does It Feel

by SwedishGirl



Category: Westlife
Genre: Bullying, Courage, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Empathy, Hurt, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 14:35:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12170835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwedishGirl/pseuds/SwedishGirl
Summary: Kian didn’t even know why he did it. It felt fun at the time, pushing Mark into the shower. But later on, when he realized what impact it had had on Mark, he deeply regretted it.





	How Does It Feel

**Author's Note:**

> As so many other kids, I was bullied at school. Being shy and quiet, I was an easy target, just as Mark. I could recognize myself completely when hearing Mark's story and hearing his thoughts on why they had picked him.
> 
> This story is just a compilation of my thoughts on the subject. The scene in the shower at the beginning is inspired by what Mark and Kian have shared in the Westlife book. But everything else in the story is fiction. 
> 
> I am sorry if I made Kian more mean than he actually was.

Kian didn't even know why he did it. Maybe he did it because he didn't have anything better to do. Or because he wanted to be cool and part of the gang. Or simply because he'd rather be the perpetrator than the victim. He didn't think for a second about how it must've felt for the other lad. The tall dark shy one that they had just pushed into the shower, fully dressed. Kian just did as the others. Laughed and did high fives afterwards.

It wasn't until they were about to leave and Kian glanced at the soaking wet boy still standing in the shower that he felt a slight twist of...something...in his stomach. He could hear the scornful laughter in front of him as the other boys were leaving. His own laughter had already faded. The boy was standing completely still under the running water, his back to his bullies, looking down into the floor, completely quiet. He looked totally defeated, defenseless, mortified. 

It had been easier to be mean to people he didn't know. But this boy, Mark, went to the same class as Kian. He didn't know him that well, though. He knew he lived in the countryside, just outside of Sligo town. He knew he was quiet and shy and blushed easily. There was something awkward about the boy, it was hard to put your finger on it. It was hard to describe what Mark was, it was easier to describe what he wasn't. He wasn't tough, he wasn't outgoing, and he certainly wasn’t attention seeking. Kian had stayed away from him on purpose, knowing he would be an easy target for the tougher boys. Kian intended to keep his cocky image and didn't want to be seen socializing with an awkward country boy, no matter how nice he seemed. But in math class, they had been forced to sit next to each other and Mark had even helped him out with some of the harder stuff. Kian had been surprised at how smart Mark was. Based on his shy and quiet appearance, Kian had made the conclusion that he didn’t have much to say. But as Kian started to talk to him, he turned out to be both fun and bright. Brighter than Kian.

* * *

Kian looked for Mark the next day, but he didn't show up. Kian struggled to shrug it off. He had never been thinking too much about the victims of his bad attitude or his bullying before. But this time, it was eating away at him. He felt bad about what he had done. Mark really hadn't deserved it. Mark seemed to be the friendliest boy on the planet. Kian didn't even know why they had picked him. There had been absolutely no reason at all to push him into the showers, they had done it just because they could. Because they knew he wouldn't fight back or even scream at them, let alone tell anyone. Someone had noticed that Mark’s clothes and shoes were brand new and thought it would be fun to ruin them for him. In hindsight, Kian couldn’t believe he had thought that sounded like a fun thing to do.

Kian kept thinking of how Mark hadn’t made any resistance. How he hadn’t scream or yelled at them. How he simply had seemed to accept what they did to him and waited for them to finish. To Kian, that was strange. If someone had tried to push Kian into the showers he would have fought them until they were all soaked. But this lad just seemed to accept his fate and tried to make himself invisible until it went away. Kian couldn't understand it.

* * *

Mark hadn't told his parents. Hadn't told anyone, really. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't go home to his mum, who loved him beyond belief, and tell her that he was so disliked in school that he didn't have any friends. He couldn't tell his dad, who had always told him he was the best thing that's ever happened to him, that the other boys in school were treating him worse than rubbish. Also, there was an element of shame. Shame for not being able to stand up for himself. Shame for letting them do this to him. Shame for not deserving to be treated with respect.

Mark had always felt extremely loved and extremely safe. All through his childhood, he had been surrounded by people who'd told him he was their treasure, people who loved him unconditionally. He had never had any doubts whatsoever regarding his own worth. He had always felt that it was enough being who he was, he didn't need to prove anything to anyone.

Yet as soon as he’d stepped over the threshold of that school, the rules had changed completely and the feeling of being worth something had been stripped from him in just days. He had come there believing that if he was kind to everyone, everyone would be kind back. That's how things had worked in his life so far and no one had prepared him for anything else. He was taken aback the first time he realized that his kindness could be used, or made fun of, or even looked upon as something bad or as a sign of weakness. He had been totally lost when he discovered that it didn't work to be kind anymore. To stop treating people with respect was simply not an option for him, so there wasn’t much he could do.

For the first time in his life, he had to face the fact that being himself was not good enough. It was bad, even. And no one seemed to appreciate his shy and quiet ways. In this school, it was all about being cool and outgoing and to have a massive confidence. There was no room for people like him. No one seemed to understand him.

* * * 

Kian was waiting for the school day to begin, and was standing outside the school together with a couple of the other boys when he saw Mark arrive. Kian started to walk towards him, wanting to talk to him and ask how he was, but then he saw Mark change his path slightly as to avoid meeting him. Kian continued towards him when he saw one of the other boys run past him. He could only watch helplessly as the boy snatched Mark’s bag and threw it on the ground a few feet away.

As Mark went to pick it up, another boy ran up to him and kicked him, making him fall to the ground. There was a massive laughter from several boys. Kian felt his blood beginning to boil. He went up to Mark, picked up his bag from the ground, and reached out a helping hand. Mark didn’t take it. He climbed to his feet, wiping blood from his nose, not looking Kian in the eyes. Kian gave him his bag and he took it without a word and quickly disappeared into school. 

That evening, it was even harder to go to sleep. Today's events had not turned out as Kian had planned. Not at all. All he had wanted was to talk to Mark, maybe even apologize for the shower thing. But instead, it had looked like he was in on today's attack. Two of his mates had managed to include him in the attack without him realizing it until it was too late. He had tried to approach Mark a few times during the day, but Mark had avoided him.

* * *

Mark was lying on the ground, curled up as tight as possible, trying to protect his head with his arms and hands. He could feel them kicking him in the ribs and he could hear the laughter and the shouting all around him. He hadn't seen them coming, they had attacked from behind and he wasn't sure how many they were. Three or four, maybe. He had closed his eyes, trying to detach himself from what was happening. Trying not to see, not to hear, not to feel. Trying to play dead so that they would get tired of this and go away.

It worked to some extent, but when someone kicked him in the face, he was kicked into reality again by the sharp pain. He could feel warm blood starting to trickle from his eyebrow. He moved his hands slightly to protect the top of his head, but then someone else kicked him in his nose and mouth. He could feel the taste of blood and he tried to curl up even tighter, trying to protect himself from more kicks. 

That's when he heard it. Someone shouting from a distance. At first, he thought it was another person coming for him, but it turned out to be the opposite.

"-STOP IT, GOD DAMN IT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"

He didn't recognize the voice immediately but it sounded vaguely familiar. The kicking stopped and so did the laughter and the shouting. He could hear someone standing close saying:

"-What's the matter, Egan? Why are you defending him, he's not worth it."

He felt someone poking him with their feet, just like you would poke a road kill to see if it was really dead.

Someone else said:

"-Yeah, we're just having some fun! Come on!"

"-LEAVE HIM ALONE. JUST GO TO HELL! ALL OF YOU!"

* * *

Kian knelt by Marks side and put a hand to Mark's shoulder and he could feel Mark tremble and curl into an even smaller ball than before. 

"-Hey... Are you hurt?" he said.

Mark didn't move, he kept his hands around his head and stayed still.

"-Mark..? I'm not gonna hurt you."

When Mark finally removed his hands slowly, his face was not a pretty sight. His lip was cracked and bleeding. He had a large bruise on the side of his face. His nose was bleeding. There was a cut above his right eyebrow making blood trickle down into his eye.

The four boys that had attacked him suddenly looked terrified. They looked like they hadn't realized it was actually a human being they had been punching and kicking. A human being that would get hurt. They stood there looking really lost before Kian barked:

"-If you're not going to help, then FUCK OFF!"

One or two of them looked like they were actually considering staying to help, but they probably realized their help wasn’t eligible and eventually they left. 

Mark struggled to sit up. Kian reached out to help, but Mark flinched.

"-I just want to help." Kian said.

Mark didn't say anything. He turned away from Kian and tried to stand up. It didn't go well. He swayed and stumbled when trying to stagger away from Kian.

Kian walked up to him and gently supported him by holding onto his arm and said again:

"-I just want to help you. Please."  
"-I don't need... I..." Mark said, while trying to wipe away the blood from his eyes with a trembling hand.  
"-Where do you live?"  
"-I... Uh... A few miles that way..." he nodded down the road.  
"-A few miles? You can't walk that distance in this state."  
"-I can..."  
"-Will there be anyone there when you get home? Your mum?"  
"-They're working." 

Mark was a total mess. Couldn't stand up straight, probably due to the pain in his ribs. His hands were shaking. His clothes were dirty. There was blood all over his face and hands. Kian couldn't let him go. Not like this.

"-You need help. Come on, let me help you. My parents’ house isn't far away."  
"-No... No... Need to go home..." Mark said, shaking his head, still not making eye contact, still keeping his head down, still turning away slightly.

"-Look, I'll follow you home, just come back to my place first and we'll wash away the blood and that."  
"-No... I'll be alright..."  
"-You're not alright. Far from it. I've never seen anyone take such a beating. You really can't walk several miles like that, you can't even see properly, you've got blood in your eyes!"  
"-Just...let me go..." Mark said with a weak voice, trying to walk away.

Kian could see he was still unsteady. He figured he was probably in a bit of a shock. He caught up with him again, placed himself right in front of him, keeping his hands on Mark's upper arms, trying to get eye contact. It failed. Mark refused to look him in the eyes.

"-I just want to help. Please, just let me clean the blood off your face and then I'll follow you home. Or let you go by yourself if you'd rather."

He could see Mark swallow hard and he could see his eyes darting cautiously everywhere except at Kian. He looked frightened and lost. But he didn't protest anymore.

Kian was careful not to push. He stood in silence for a moment, then he wrapped a careful arm around Mark's back. Mark let himself be led in the direction of Kian's house.

* * *

Kian was carefully wiping blood from Marks face with cotton pads. Mark was sitting on Kian's bed and Kian had pulled out a chair and was sitting in front of him.

"-Fuck, Mark. Your lip is cracked. So is your eyebrow. You're gonna look like hell tomorrow. You'll probably have a black eye as well, judging by the look of it."

Mark nodded. A silent tear rolled down his cheek and Kian wiped it away. Kian could see that Mark's hands were still trembling and he reckoned the lad must be really good at hiding his emotions. He appeared completely calm, the slightly trembling hands and the tear were the only signs of anything else. Well, maybe calm wasn't the right word. Apathetic was more correct. 

"-There's a bit of sand in the wound here, I have to clean it." Kian said and pointed to the side of Mark's forehead. Mark nodded.

When Kian started to clean the wound, Mark closed his eyes and Kian could see several tears rolling down his face. It was heart breaking. 

Kian stopped what he was doing, and leant forward to hold Mark. He wrapped him in a gentle hug, careful not to hug too tight. He didn't want to panic the boy or make him feel trapped or anything.

After a few moments, he could feel Mark relax in his embrace. He could feel him putting his head on Kian's shoulder and letting out a deep breath. Kian stroked Mark's back gently. They sat like that for a long time. Kian couldn’t see Mark’s face but it sounded like he was crying.

When they parted, Mark made eye contact for the first time. 

"-I'm sorry..." he mumbled.  
"-You have nothing to apologize for." Kian said.  
"-Only for being a total loser..." Mark said.  
"-It's perfectly alright to feel whatever you feel, after getting beaten up like that. You're not a loser because of it." Kian said, while continuing to clean Mark's wounds.  
"-I am, though. Everyone hates me." Mark said with a tiny voice.

Kian didn't know what to say to that. He didn't have the solution. He knew Mark didn't have any friends and he had bullied him himself up until just recently. Mark was an easy target, simple as that. It was tragic really, that the kindest and most innocent kids were always treated the worst. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. Kian wanted to say something uplifting to Mark but couldn't come up with anything. It was hard to try and cheer someone up who had just taken a beating like this, knowing that it was probably not the last time it happened.

"-When will your parents be home?"  
"-Around six. Oh fuck, I'm not gonna be able to hide it this time, am I?"  
"-You have hidden it before?"

Mark nodded.

"-Why?" Kian asked.  
"-Mum would be totally devastated. Dad would..."

Mark's eyes filled with tears again and he covered his mouth with his hand. Kian put a hand on his shoulder.

"-They're so....proud of me....and...so loving... They would be disgusted if they knew what was going on."

It was really heart breaking for Kian to see Mark so devastated. Kian had not been the nicest kid in school and now he had been put face to face with the pain he had caused. This was what it looked like. This was what bullying for fun could result in. Mark didn't only have to struggle with the bullying itself, he had to protect everyone around him from knowing about it, not wanting to hurt his parents or his family. Pretending that everything was alright every day. Carrying it all inside, all alone, not being able to share it with anyone.

"-I will help you. If you want to tell them, I will help you."  
"-How...?"  
"-I don't know. I'll follow you home, to start with.

* * *

When Kian was finished cleaning Mark's wounds, he encouraged Mark to lie down and have a rest before walking home. They had a few hours before it was time to start walking. Mark hesitated before stretching out on the bed, letting out a deep breath. Kian could see he was worn down. There was something exhausted and dejected in his eyes. Going to school every day, and be frightened of being bullied or assaulted would probably take its toll on anyone. Kian went to the kitchen to get them something to drink. When he got back, Mark was asleep. Kian let him sleep for a couple of hours before it was time to start walking back to Mark's.

Kian had never talked properly to Mark before. During most classes, they were not sitting together. In math class they were, but they didn’t talk much. The walk to Mark’s house was a few miles and took a while. There was plenty of time to talk, and they did. Mark was friendly but he was one of those people who didn’t spill his guts to anyone. He wasn’t interested in talking about himself. But he was a very good listener and that turned out to be a good thing as Kian more than anything wanted to be given the opportunity to talk the shower incident through and to explain himself and apologize. 

Mark didn’t seem to hold any grudge, he said he hadn’t seen Kian as the one who urged the others on. Kian had been a follower. And now he had certainly proved he was not an evil person. He had been amazing today, helping Mark to get rid of the bullies and then taken care of him when he really needed it.

By the time they got to Mark’s house, they had shared more than one laugh and they both felt like they had been friends for a long time, not just a few hours.

“-Ready?” Kian asked before they stepped into Mark’s house. 

Mark looked him in the eyes, swallowed hard and nodded.

“-Ready.” he said.

Mark opened the door and stepped in. Kian followed him.

“-Mum? Dad? Can I talk to you for a second?”

When Mark’s parents appeared in the hallway, Kian put a supporting hand to Mark’s back. Mark gave him a grateful little smile.

* * *

It was Monday morning and Kian and Mark was going to school. Together.

Mark still had the black eye, a big bruise on the side of his forehead, and an ugly cut above his eyebrow.

Mark’s parents had been shocked when they had seen him. They had had a long talk and they had been utterly supportive and caring when he had told them everything. Kian had been by Mark’s side through it all, helping him to put some things into words when Mark couldn’t. It had been decided that Mark’s dad would call the principal. And that Mark and Kian should stick together from now on.

And that was what they were doing now. As they approached school, the four boys from the gang was suddenly standing in front of them as a wall, hindering them from reaching the school entrance.

“-Well well well, what do we have here…?” one of them smirked.  
“-What’s the matter, Egan? Can’t get any proper friends? Why are you hanging out with this loser?”

Kian didn’t look at Mark, but he didn’t have to. He could sense that all Mark wanted was to back off and run. He put an arm around Mark’s shoulders and then he said:

“-His name is Mark, and you’re gonna leave him alone from now on. Is that understood? Now, move out of our way, please.”

Kian was good at this. No one could do contained rage better than him. He hadn’t said anything even remotely rude, but his eyes were literally black of anger and he looked dangerous.

The one who was considered the leader of the gang looked at him for a long moment. Everyone held their breaths. Even Kian. He could see two of the boys already starting to back away slightly. He watched as the leader of the gang tried to make the third one stay put just by looking demanding at him. It didn’t work. Three of the boys had gone quiet now, looking down into the ground, moving cautiously. The leader realized he had to say something to keep appearing as if he had control over the situation.

“-Alright boys, they’re not worth it, let’s go…”

Kian gave him a sharp look before starting to walk forward, holding onto Mark with a steady grip, pushing past the four boys and not looking back.

Mark had turned his back on that gang many times before, and it had never turned out well. He had been attacked from behind a number of times. But this time, it was different. Kian had wrapped his strong and safe arm around his shoulders. It felt like having some sort of armor. He didn’t automatically brace himself for the blow to the head, he didn’t even expect any. And there wasn’t any. He could keep walking, without getting beaten up. In that moment, he knew he would never have to be afraid again.


End file.
